River Thames cruises: Following in David Walliams's breaststrokes
Well done David Walliams! The Little Britain star landed at Westminster on Monday, straight into the arms of his fashion model wife, a crowd of well-wishers and a shandy.
Most of us would have opted for a drink of something stronger. The comedian swam more than 120,000 strokes, endured a nasty tummy bug and raised more than 1 million for charity.
Some feat. Walliams is right - the Thames is well worth tackling. But I'd advise him to ditch the wetsuit, don a jacket and hop aboard the rather grand Spirit of Chartwell - as I did this weekend. This is a luxury cruiser in the Orient Express mould.
Water beauty: The Thames Barrier at dusk is a sensational sight set against the backdrop of the O2
She covers a vast stretch of the river, from Tilbury in the east to Putney in the west. And if you take the Cliveden route, you can explore the waterway further upstream between Windsor and Cookham.
The ship was launched in April, having been refurbished in glittering style after retiring from the Rhine, where it had become too small to accommodate the burgeoning cruise market.
It might be modest in size, but there is plenty of room for soft, deep armchairs, smart dining and a well-stocked bar.
Passengers embark at Canary Wharf, where you are greeted by liveried waiters proffering champagne. Bliss. But it's only 11am and there's a full day's sailing ahead.
There's so much to see that drifting off into a bubbly induced sleep would be a terrible waste - though it is a very great temptation in those supremely cushy chairs.
Feast for the eyes: A river cruise will mean you tick off London's sights in quick succession
The trip begins slowly (as I imagine, did Walliams, when he first dipped into that fiercely cold water) and there's a hiatus as we get out of the lock and on to the open river. Once there - off she goes - streaming through the sunshine and rapid currents that lick the surface and bob the gulls about.
We head east, out of the City, and past some of London's lesser-known sites, including the Tate & Lyle sugar refinery and Beckton Gasworks, where, somewhat incongruously, the Vietnam movie Full Metal Jacket was filmed.
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The skyline is emptier here, industrial, much of it rusting quietly. The river might be dirty now - if it rains more than an inch the city's sewers go gushing into the water - but it was positively filthy in the 19th century.
Things have improved since then, but we're not out of the water yet. As London Mayor Boris Johnson put it this week: 'No one in their right mind will be swimming this river in ten years' time - certainly not beyond Teddington.'
And not when they could be reclining on the Chartwell, I would add.
Elegant: There is a dress code o! n the Sp irit of Chartwell - no jeans, no trainers and no stilettos
There's no fear of a tummy ache here - unless you overindulge in afternoon tea, a three-tier affair with sandwiches, cakes and scones. Not forgetting lunch and a five-course dinner, too.
The crowd is mixed - and there is a sense of occasion. One family are celebrating their grandmother's birthday and there are lots of couples spruced up for a day on the river. One lady is sporting a splendid Agatha Christie-style hat.
There is a dress code - no jeans, no trainers, no stilettos. You are encouraged to brush up for dinner (in the cosy cabins below deck) but it's not enforced, nor stuffy.
Thank goodness, because no amount of product will keep my hair in check above deck. And you will want to be out in the open, especially when passing through the extraordinary Thames Barrier.
Welcome back: David Walliams is greeted by wife Lara Stone after his challenge
What a barrier! It catches the light beautifully, as elegant and space age as Sydney Opera House in miniature. At night it glows ominously in red. Between 2000 and 2010, the barrier has gone into action 75 times to prevent the City of London from flooding - more than justifying the 500 million it cost to build.
There are opportunities to stretch your legs at Greenwich. The Cutty Sark is under repair, but the Old Royal Naval College and Painted Hall are a striking sight. A trumpeter sounds out from Trinity College of Music and there's a flurry of brides blowing in the breeze.
The ship also stops at Millbank where you can hop off for an hour of art in the Tate Britain.
Navigating Central London, I am reminded why I love this city. This great, historic artery passes through splendid and ever-changing architecture, from Tower Bridge to St Paul's Cathedral and the piercing new Shard.
Travelling und! er, rath er than over, the bridges is a thrill - the water rushes around their bases and you can watch the weather coming in as the river curves away in the distance.
The clouds gather, aptly, around Westminster and a grey mist descends with rain. When Martin Bell, our guest speaker that day, says he experiences a shudder when we pass Parliament, I know what he means.
But there's nothing so warming as sitting at a lamplit table with cocktails, in good company on board a glossy ship to brighten the greyest of London evenings.
Travel Facts
From 145. Trips run until September 20 and resume on March 30, 020 7372 2077, www.spiritofchartwell.com.
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