Gourmet cruising: Losing weight on a keep-fit cruise without forgoing the indulgence
Safe to say I was at a low ebb when I chose the Crystal Symphony cruise that seemed to promise rejuvenation in the key areas.
Yoga, pilates, paddle tennis, beauty therapy, health lectures, dancing - the programme was a full one and, stopping off at three points on what was billed as the Mexican Riviera, I could already picture myself a week on: thin, creative, calm.
Best foot forward: Jaci had planned to take part in pilates and yoga classes, she just never quite made it to themSetting sail from Los Angeles with more than 900 others, and installed in my penthouse suite with a welcome bowl of fruit and bottle of champagne, I'd already embarked on my new life. Well, apart from the champagne. And the free wine. Oh, yes, and the chocolates.
There was a burger and chips, too, on the lido open deck, because my luggage was still on its way to my suite.
I therefore reckoned that my MBS experience had not yet officially begun, so I was simply enjoying my last meal before Health Row.
Back at the suite, unpacking my healthy clothes (tracksuit, two sets of trainers, seven pairs of Lycra leggings, matching tops and a Himalayan range of sports bras) I felt excited.
Then there was a knock at the door. 'Hello, my name is Igor. I am your butler.' I could not think of any instances where I would hear the words 'Igor' and 'butler' in the same sentence, yet here they were, like the missing lyrics from Monster Mash.
Igor, from Croatia, instantly dispelled any fears that I'd be torn from my bed at 6am to jog 20 laps around the deck. He was utterly charming and assured me of his service throughout the voyage.
I felt so instantly relaxed, I returned to the lido and had a triple- scoop ice cream. With chocolate bits.It was a good time to contemplate the land tours that were going to enha! nce my M BS experience. Did I want to swim with a dolphin? Doubtful.
The Mexican Outback Adventure sounded promising. But the leaflet featured a yellow truck seemingly stuck in the middle of a pile of rocks. The joys of this trip included a visit to a farm. I watch Emmerdale; what more did I need?
All aboard: The luxury ship certainly provided a lot of temptationsBut I was willing to throw myself into the onboard activities and keen to hear someone billed as the Skin Doctor. I was late for the lecture, but arrived in time to discover the methods used by male butterflies to discover if female butterflies are virgins.
When they alight (literally and metaphorically) upon said female, they 'plug' her with their sperm so she cannot be inseminated by any other bloke fluttering his winglashes at her.
Goodness knows what the ingredients of the beauty products might contain. After 20 minutes, and some enquiries, I discovered the Skin Doctor had been replaced by the butterfly expert.
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I use the word lecture loosely; the Gettysburg Address wasn't delivered with as much verve as Robert on the subject of toxins. I could feel my fat molecules running for cover as his felt pen swept across his flip chart shouting the horrors of over-indulgence.
I was so worried by the end, I had to go and wind down with the free glass of champagne at the art exhibition.
Robert was very knowledgeable, but the problem with the lectures was the product-pushing that accompanied them. Laden with toxins? If you paid a lot of dolla! rs, you could go and have your entire lifestyle assessed, scrutinised and criticised even more. It felt like commercial overkill. Not good for mind, spirit, nor bank balance.
On the exercise side, I was never up early enough for pilates, but made a good friend of the teacher (whose stomach was flatter than a poppadom), so I talked a lot about the benefits of pilates, which may not be the same thing.
Viva Mexico: Jaci fell for all the entertainment and goods laid on for the touristsI played paddle tennis with an Armitraj - Anand, not Vijay (think Murray, rather than Djokovic). And my mind was more than satisfied by the workshop with the brilliant improvisation actors from Vancouver, without whose friendship I would have been a virtual recluse (note to self: cruising Europeans are a lot more friendly than cruising Americans).
The nightclub and late-night bar were pretty incongruous with trying to purify my mind, body and spirit. But the dancing contributed to giving me an enjoyable MBS experience. Ballroom early evening, then disco until the early hours, when I discovered you can burn off half a burger gyrating to the Black Eyed Peas.
I lost weight, too. It was easy to stick to a good diet, with the lunchtime buffet providing a vast range.
The ship also had The Silk Road Sushi Bar restaurant, featuring food by Nobu and a very good Italian.
As for the Mexican Riviera - hmmmm. 'Riviera', my sombrero. Commercialised, horribly scruffy ports at Cabo San Lucas, Mazatlan and Puerto Vallarta, I wasn't going to be drawn in by the tat being forced upon me the second my foot touched shore.
Yeah, right. One hat, two henna tattoos, an embroidered bracelet, a pair of ear-rings, two frozen Margaritas, and singing the praises of worms living at the bottom of tequila bottles later, I was happy to clamber aboard the ship and queue up at the ice cream counter.
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